What has gotten Syn angry about coding today??

14/11/2024

Welcome back to the coffin blog where I talk about the many things going on in my life or the deepest parts of my brain. Today's topic is a continuation of the previous blog's.

Like last night, 1am when I write this, I just got back to my mum's house and before I even got back things were wack since I had just gotten a message from my teacher that I should have my work in for today's lesson. I DIDN'T FUCKING DO IT???? The reason why I didn't do it was because all my online classes for today were ones where we all had to fuck off and do work without going the online meeting and so I used that time to pack the stuff at my dad's to bring back to my mum's and I got done pretty soon however the main problem was "how would we get back to mum's? " since she refused to drive us back there (she's the only one in the family with a car and money is TIGHT right now) and so I was basically fucking around for hours waiting to get back. Maybe that was the time I should've done my college work but that thought really escaped me.Now that I'm back home, first thing I did was arrange everything to how it should be or as much as I could that wouldn't mess too much with me however after that it's basically bedtime since I have an early start tomorrow if I go to school. Another thing is, I can't sleep right now which is part of the reason why I'm blabbing on my blog. It's literally just this situation that fucked with my mental badly. So bad that I'm listening to Mitski (I don't listen to her often).

At least I figured out how I want to dress more now. I got inspired from the second look from FunkyFitz's fashion week inspired(?) looks from like 2022 (way back I know) but it really made me feel like they were a Gothic/alternative fashion designer who loves all their models and I was like "that needs to be me" since, fun fact, before I got smarter I wanted to be a fashion designer. I then decided that buying clothes is hard and I would either rather to make my clothes myself or alter thriftEd clothes since it would be quite cheaper to do and I can actually be Syn core. However, my main problem is thinking of different outfits but that can only be properly dealt with once I have already amassed an amalgamation of interesting clothing items that are actually worn often by me. I really need to get a job if I want to buy clothes or anything for myself since my parents aren't really loaded and I always get treated by my friends for things that require money (thank you pooks). I really want to work like at a smaller shop like a charity shop (British thrift store basically) since I really like the idea of smaller atmospheres however I haven't a clue of where to start. I'll ask the careers hub at my college for how I should go about this.

I really want to make crochet rose accessories since I'm that kind of fancy vampire however I have no idea of what I can make that includes roses that aren't too much for a casual college day plus there's barely any accessories that includes like full on crochet roses. I hope that I get better mentally and physically so that I can become the best vampire I could ever be.

12/11/2024

Welcome back to the coffin blog!! Today's topic is: mental reset.

I've been told that I might go back home tomorrow (it's early morning as I write this) and I really don't want to go to college today. Only problem is that I haven't been attending college for a while now. I really want to go back when the situation is better for me (aka going back to my mom's) since I don't like spending more money than I normally should. This makes me wanna get a nice weekend job just so I don't have to worry about spending even though in the future I want to either make clothes or alter them.

This is definitely not all I wanna talk about but I don't remember what else to talk about. lmaooo also my birthday passed so I'm now 117!! I didn't enjoy my birthday week at all really.

27/10/24

Nah this shit is super serious if there's no one I wanna talk about this to other than the abyss that is my site.

My life is very turbulent now. My mum has called the police multiple times on me and my sister and she has now gone and slapped my sister in front of a social worker. Because of her, I now have to temporarily live at my dad's house until shit happens on the social workers' end however I really dislike living with my dad since I'm just hella uncomfortable with living at my dad's house from either the new surroundings or the lack of space to properly be alone (he has roommates). This then makes me wonder "what if I just lived alone? social worker said I was entitled to semi independent living. " However, both parents have talked me out of it and also I have no way to even know how I cope with absolute solitude in a house since I never truly been alone. I've never even properly had my own room so how the hell would I even know anything close to absolute solitude in a home. I absolutely hate hearing my family at times hell I even hate seeing their existence at times and I really hate when they also don't know when to shut up.

Everyone is probably enjoying this situation but I am not. Oh but it doesn't matter if you're not enjoying since you don't have a choice. You never really had a choice in what to do so don't complain as if you ever did. At times, I really do wish I had a space that was entirely my own and away from people where I can hear what I want to hear and not being annoyed by anything. But such a thing is impossible for me until what? 5 years from now? And the worst is, my birthday is in about a week. Not only does college start again on my birthday but if all this shit happens before my birthday who am I to say that I won't call off my birthday party because I can't even see myself enjoying the event? Because of my mum's horrible decisions, there's do little for me to do, hell even my movement is heavily restricted. And I can't even go see my secondary school friends since I'm in an entire different village (???) than them and calling is mostly off the table since it's an horrible time when calling someone with another person in the room unless you're a selfish prick who doesn't care. I have no where to go if I decide to go outside. So what do I do?

Now that I even think about it. What I have I gotten? NOTHING. I wanted angel bites however everyone in my family is against me getting them even though they were the only face piercing I wanted. My younger sister has 3 piercings that my mum, dad and even I wouldn't allow her to get and only 1 of them she did herself. The other 2 (belly button piercing and tongue piercing) she got mum to allow her but the second I want a new piercing I can't? Just because it's not a hidden piercing? Even if I said I wanted a tongue piercing, I was talked out of it because I "wouldn't take care of it properly ". And that's not just it. Even when I want to live a simple and comfortable life at my mum's house for just the 2 weeks I have off college when I already don't enjoy college that much right now I can't even have that since my mum decided to slap my sister in front of a social worker who then caused many inconveniences for me. Now put that on top of the summer being full of my phone being broken, rough transition to college and still not enjoying college to this day, it seems as if some demon is out to get me. This may sound ungrateful as hell but I really cannot care right now because I'm over due for a really long and hard crying session but there's nowhere for me to even cry regardless of being at mum's or dad's.

19/10/24

So. I haven't been on my site for like a month because my laptop screen got broken. (like had an entire canon event happen to me) but right now it's just sad vamp hours.

Fashion. Again. I really don't know how exactly I want to dress (or who I even want to be) because my mindset is way too systematic where I can only have a particular fit but I switch out different trousers which are basically the same thing but different material. I need to start buying skirts.... I said that I wanted to be a modern vampire but do I really want to be like that? How can I know if I don't want to be modern or classic? I can't think for myself at all. I want to look like a vampire and that would be easy to achieve because of Pinterest but what is Syn? What would Syn dress like with multiple variations? I only have like one fit that I keep wearing with just changing a few things since I don't have many clothes to go out in.

And college has gotten tolerable but not much better in the aspect I wanted. Since the ending of summer, I wished for a friend group which was basically a coven of vampires, witches and other mystical creatures but what happened instead was I barely made any new friend friends and my friends from secondary school all have their own new friends that it feels like you're intruding or that the connection between you two have basically disappeared. So I'm almost friendless but I have acquaintances I can talk to.

15/09/24

So. College has definately been something. Before, I was really not doing well with the shift from school -> college and I literally cried because of it kind of however I crocheted in college and changed one of my classes and now I feel like i'm only a few levels away from being a pinterest aesthetic. I do still feel very much like a fish out of water but I'm getting used to it steadily and all I really need to do is make more friends or become so lonely that I focus on being aesthetic.

One thing that is definately going well is the flare/flounce/bell sleeve shirts I have are really nice and make me feel very vamp so I really need to buy more clothes because I look like crap 99% of the time. I think I aim to be as a person that's like, vampire that crochets and during breaks they fucking like phantom lurk around places like town or the college however, my personality clashes with that idea. I really don't know what to really do during my breaks since I think I want to save most of my studying for home (that reminds me that I have yet to complete my shedule for the weeks to come. uhhhh) but I really want to crochet at school and the only problem is, I have no big project I want to work on.

07/09/24

Well. Things have not gone in my favour recently. I'm really not happy with how life has been going ever since I started going to college. Friendships drifting away, friendgroups up in flames, finacial worries and maybe a lot of personal displeasure. Up until college, I've had a school uniform (the british life ig) and now that I'm no longer in secondary school, I have to actually worry about what I wear which then brings the question what aesthetic I want to embody which then raises another question who the actually fuck is Syn. I wish I had an idea of how to go about feeling more like me however I never really thought about myslef for long enough to know shit about myself. And recently, with the start of my friendships kinda drifting, I realize that I don;t really have people to really talk to and consider as like very close to me. Yes, I have online friends but I don't talk to them often. This is one the moments where I start hating myself as well wooo. Today, I really wanted to get into a piece of media surrounding vampires because I like vampires however I don't think there's many light novels I could care about. I wish I was just majorly different from who I am today because at this rate, I'll just want to disappear from society because I hate myself too much to be perceived.

02/09/24

Ok so.. Day 3 of college and things have started to get better... I hope.

I really do like the level of Independence college has and also the time blocking since I HAVE ONLY ONE CLASS ON TUESDAYS WOOOO however I might be a little salty that I have to bring my laptop for History.

Lets talk fashion. I am a fashion disaster. My default fits is literally the same but with a different top and trousers. So I'll need quite a while before I can freely make nice outfits which means I need like more rui gao studying Wahoo. Even though I don't really need to write this down, I'm going for a very modern vampire vibe where I wear graphic shirts but still have them flare? flounce? bell? sleeve vibe and obviously in mostly black.

29/08/24

Ok so the art turned out really nice except Instagram quality sent it to oblivion so one day, I'll make a page where I just upload all my art after I post it on Insta so it can be In a higher quality so you can see the details.

Anyway, I'm now in a sour mood. I was going to rant about why I'm in this sour mood however, I feel like it's too personal for it to be avaliable for all to see so all I need to do is look at my site because it's so pretty.

I'm starting college tomorrow and I'm scared. So scared that I've decided I'm going to sleep and wake up early so I can be fully prepared for everything. I say this despite knowing that I'm currently procrasinating doing my History summer work. I really should be getting to finish it so I can actually journal my thoughts so I can rid myself of this foul mood...until it happens again.

26/08/24

I fixed all my piercings. Now NONE of the backs are stuck in my ears anymore!!! Also I'm trying to draw more for the next year because my disciplined attitude of drawing biweekly was amazing that I need to go back to it. However, drawing is really hard and today, I'm working on a new colouring style of an artist I follow. I'm scared :)

22/08/24

I passed my exams and enrolled into college. yay

19/08/24

Ok so 3 days until everything goes to (most likely) shit. Anyway my ears keep swallowing the backs/stoppers of my new piercings which is bad because I want to switch them, I'm going to go through a lot of trouble of taking away the backs from my ear after the piercings had fully healed. Pien

The urge to be transmigrated into a historical fantasy manhwa where I am a vampire living in a well kept mansion on the smaller size where I learn the wonders of magic while also living through an amazing yet simple romance. In reality, I couldn't survive there without internet access. Modern fantasy whennnnn.

17/08/24

I do not know if I should just make the animanga corner just an oc corner because I doubt that many people would actually give me anime/manga recommedations and I doubt that I'll actually need to make it an entire page when I could just make a scuffed discord channel in my priv server. Now that I think about it, it feels as if I'm actually someone with some significance. (SIGH we are gonna be delving into mind today)

Ok so, I feel like a background character most of the time since I see myself with nothing unique or anything makes me feel like I am actually a person. (Like I don't see myself as being worthy of being named yet aka background character #635 syndromeeee) However, ever since I came back to properly work on my site again, the 9th of August, I now realize that 'Synthetic' is actually a person who is unique (albeit not by very much). I don't know how much of this feeling is actually me feeling like Syn or me feeling like I am someone else but I probably wouldn't have felt this way without coming back to this site.

Edit: Turns out marquees aren't broken for me however the "alternate" behaviour won't work for marquees going up or down. Probably only for left and right which is unfortunate.

Linking back to yesterday's events, the way I would've preferred to actually bleed than lose one of my earrings. Pain is nothing in the long game but get in between a person and their favourite earrings, you break a person.

16/08/24

Well. Today was surely eventful. Today was really just a series of unfortunate events for me and the only positives of today is waking up at 3am(not the goal but close to it) and making good progress on the crochet pavilion page.

15/08/24

Y'all don't know how I hate how my body behaves. I had to FORCE myself through sleeping 5 hours because my sleep shedule was wack during the summer however, in the early afternoon, WITHOUT FAIL, something happens. Be it my eyes hurt, my eyes feel heavy or whatever, I end lying on my bed only hoping that I don't sleep since I still have energy. Next thing I know I wake up at 11:43 P-FUCKING-M meaning I literally will struggle to put myself back to sleep. I have 7 days to get my shit back together since I have to get my literally results AND ENROLL TO A COLLEGE on the 22nd (on the same day that it's my dad's birthday). I am rightfully upset that this keeps happening. Another thing that annoys me is that no one tries to wake me either. Recently, it's been harder for people to even notice I'm asleep since 1 part of my family just hasn't come home in a few days and the other enjoys being alone way too much which is my mom. She uses herself as an example that "because she doesn't 'disturb' me, I shouldn't disturb her" however there's one thing that makes this really flawed. I *want* to be disturbed. Anyway, we're were going into family territory which isn't what this blog is intended for.

Edit: I guess I should be making a joke out of this situation since my theme/motif of my site and general aesthetic is that I am a vampire so obviously it would be working against me...

14/08/24

Ok turns out that marquees are actually easy and all I needed was to add more sites however, it seems that I'm stuck to the amout I have now because then it just flows out of the div and I am not in the mood to go and fix it lmao. I also plan on making a crochet page eventually since I have crochet as a tag for my site. Maybe I should figure out how to add music to my site because I think it would bring my site together nicely and become more homely for me. SIGH I'LL NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW IT'LL WORK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Edit: I looked at how MonsieurDoll did it for a second and the amount of work it needs is abysmal. Yeah I'm not doing it today........................

10/08/24

I really want to make other pages for my site because I really don't want to work the marquee, partially because I would have to find other sites to link and I just don't feel like doing that however I have no idea what other pages to add since people usually have shrines but I hold nothing dear to my heart or my head to do that. Also I have no idea how to touch type lmao.

09/08/24

It's been literal months since I've last touched my site and recently I've kinda had a slight mental reset and reflection. So I now am just going to be my most authentic self just because before I think I was just trying to be cool because I always looked at people cooler than me. So I hope that I can update this site nicely less for the reason of wanting people to see but more for making this place like my perfect coffin (since there's only so much I can do about my real life space.)

I am worried since I have no actual media that I could say that is like my biggest/main interest but I hope that one day I can fimd or make something that really holds a dear spot in my heart. Also I have 9 piercings now and 7 of them were done in basically 1 go lmao.

I keep adding more things to talk about but I really am just yapping because it's been a while since I've reflected about the online version of Syn. I forgot what I wanted to talk about lmao. I've been listening to more vkei recently, bands like DADAROMA and gulu gulu even tho one is disbanded already however they don't fail to make me feel like I'm at endgame Syn.

09/11/23

So it's been a hot minute since I last touched my neocities and now I have a desk!! Super happy. Also in the same span of time I also now have a Mayoi plushie which is next to me as I write this. At this momemt of time, I'm going to tackling marquees but god knows if I'll be able to do it. OMG I forgot to mention that now I have a PURPLE pinstripe jacket that has a corseted back!! Very Mayoi core but me and mayoi kinda have similar aesthetics (well I guess when it comes to ideal fashion)

16/9/23

Do you ever just stop yourself from drawing for crazy amounts of time because you don't like how your art is now? Yeah me too but I know the only way to improve at art is to practice however I'm going to wait until I get a desk because using my bedside table as a desk ain't good. I usually shrimp a lot. I also need to get an external keyboard because I have to REALLY shrimp to type these messages and I need better posture than a shrimp. I really like drawing if only I didn't get frustrated trying to start a piece, lack anatomy knowledge, getting frustrated by how long it's taking me to finish a drawing and lacking ideas but those are things I hope to change because they're mostly all fixed by practice. Ok I just sat straight on my chair and the feeling in my back says that I NEED to get a external keyboard SOON. LMAO.

15/9/23

I was right. Ep11 of Link Click S2 has left me a broken man before school.

Basically I was scared of everything while I was watching it and I was rightfully so in doing that. The end of the episode had actually got me to cry and not be strong but then I get fucking WHIPLASH. Like, I don't think anyone in the link click fandom expected what happened then. Don't ask the link click fandom what went down in ep11 they will cry. AAAAAA BUT EVERYTHING IS IN DISARRAY AND IT WAS THE CHARACTER WHO LEAST DESERVED IT. Crying myself a river to drown myself in. Actually at this point, it's just a battle Royale or just the hunger games because anyone and everyone could get rocked. Also when I finished the episode, I wanted to fall on my back to dramatize it but it actually hurty back more than I expected but thankfully it was short pain. Oh no... I have to tell Maru about Link Click ep11 and for all I know they'll start crying after school too.

14/9/23

Okay it might be a little counterproductive to make a blog on this site because I already bought a journal but maybe this blog will just be about anything exciting that involves my interests like how tomorrow I will simply perish Minecraft style when I watch ep11 of Link Click Season 2.

Because of everything that went DOWN in link click so far, ep11 will actually destroy me and ep12 ,that's coming out next week, will have me jaw wide open. I can already see it ಥ_ಥ. I will be the shell of a brocken man..... /j.
really need to stop getting myself into media that deals with time travel or anything about changing time because it's actually just pain because you always want to have things change but can't, then there's the fact everything gets 10x more confusing because I start thinking about the origin timeline since for some reason I think there's multiple timelines and are just playing after the previous timeline.

But I haven't played enstars in a bit and I need to be prepared for any way to get dia because in a years time, I'll need 24k dia so I can definitely get tour day mayoi and tatsumi. When I do get tatsumi, I'm scared that I'll actually have to read the story because IT'S THE DAMN OBBLIGATO CARD o(ㄒoㄒ) I'm really scared of knowing what went down with past tatsumi and I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

13/9/23

Woooo! First blog page probs gonna be going crazy about thing other than mayoi because I plan on making a dedicated page just for her!

However just so that I can release some of my chaotic mayoi lover nature,I will breifly speak aboaut her.

First thing is his pronouns, I actually like all variations of mayoi so I actually prefer to use he/she/they pronouns for Mayoi since they all have a fluffy idea to me and I can still have many moments that are super happy depending on which set of pronouns are used;
Another thing about mayoi I like is that they're purple, okay booo throw tomatoes at me but I can't deny that part of my affection for her is because of their hair colour but honest to tatsumi its only less than 25% (i hope) You can't blame me for having purple as my favourite colour and then liking MOST purple characters in anything. I mean Shenzi does it with blue characters!! Our brains are distant cousins frfr.
Anyway the third thing I like about mayoi is how kind he is, Mayoi may have their general thing being about how self depricative she is but she cares for his unitmates quite a lot for intsance, taking on the role of mother of Alkaloid even though she doesn't see herself fit for it, offering to knit mittens for Hiiro, being the choreographer for Alkaloid, making adjustments to choreo keeping mind of Tatsumi's leg injury and pushing themself for Alkaloid to shine;

Ok I might like Mayoi a little, guys. But seriously tho I believe that Mayoi has actually made me a little better as a fan of media because I would always say (insert character) is my favourite but I wouldn't really be willing to do a deep dive about them and only deep dive in the moment when my brain makes connections but now that I have Mayoi, I feel like I genuinely have a favourite character that I deeply adore.